WHY ARE YOU NOT MARRIED?

Here are some comebacks:

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact..
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

So Called Pro-Lifer Kills Dr George Tiller In Front of Church!!! WTF?!!!

On today May 31, 2009, in the lobby of his church in Wichita, Kansas Dr. George Tiller was shot to death. Tiller, a physician who was a provider of late term abortions was referred to as “Tiller the baby killer” by conservative television and talk radio personalities, has had some attempts made on his life before. His clinic was bombed in 1991 and he was shot in both arms by an abortion protester as he drove away from his clinic in 1993.
Now wait a minute, this nameless for now vigilante obviously had been stalking Tiller. He was planning to kill him. His motive was stopping him from killing the innocent. However, what gave him the right to be police officer, judge, jury and executioner. Was this person supposed to also be a person of faith? Okay, isn’t it a violation of the tenets of any faith to stalk your victim, and commit premeditated murder in a place of worship? Is he on his way to hell in the oil jacket or the gasoline drawers?
Do the television and radio personalities and the networks that broadcast their rants that incite this type of violence have blood on their hands too?
Let's also see what pro-life conservative organizations help the suspect fund his legal defense.

Perez Hilton Is A Fugly F@&&*t!!!

I cannot stand Perez Hilton. His recent asinine comments about Miss California being a dumb c^*t and b#!@h because she stepped on his little twinkle toes with voicing her requested opinion on gay marriage aren't the reasons he's on my s!*t list. Micheal Musto's comments were just as bad but I ain't mad at him. Both are just being typical male chauvinist pig-dog-rat-bastards (yes gay men can be chauvinists too)with the attitude that women should not express strong opinions. However,they and their fellow(and female,yes liberal,conservative,straight and lesbian woman can have some screwed-up attitudes about the role of straight women. Which is why my girl, Ann Coulter,who I disagree with on almost every issue, but I do admire so much, is such a polarizing figure among conservatives.) chauvinists believe that women should stay in their place,smile,make nice,show their tits(whether fake or real),shake their asses,snag a husband before the get too old,push out as many babies as they can,and most importantly shut up and do what they are told. Well,to hell with them and that crap.
Anywho, the real reason I intensely dislike Perez Hilton is because of his despicable habit of "outing" closeted gays and bisexuals for sport. This practice is completely unacceptable. Moreover, who the hell is he to decide when it is time for someone to divulge intimate information about their private life. For a friend to let another friend know that their spouse or lover is a closeted gay person and using the spouse or lover as a "beard" or "veil" is understandable but still controversial. However, exposing people's private business that they are trying to be discreet about just for the purpose of entertainment is disgusting and dangerous. This can put people's careers in jeopardy,exposes them to possible gay-bashing, being disowned by family and other misfortunes. Perez Hilton, being a gay man should be a heck of a lot more sensitive and respectful. For those who say gays/lesbians' lifestyle choices put them in those bad positions need to examine their own lives to make sure that if everything they do in the dark comes to the light, everything will still be "all good" before they rush to judgment.

Holy Week

I am thinking reflectively about the true meaning and significance of Good Friday, Passover and Resurrection Sunday while wishing everyone observing and celebrating a great Holy Season!!!

Wronged by Boost Mobile?

On Friday, April 3, 2009 I once again called Boost Mobile customer service about problems sending and receiving e-mail and text messages on my Motorola handset powered by Boost. I also inquired at that time about an update on my previous complaint about call sound quality, dropped calls, the NO SERVICE message display on my phone and the like. I let the representative know that I appreciated the ten dollar credit and that they had open a trouble ticket for engineers in my calling area to work to repair, rebuild and upgrade the infrastructure so that our service in the Fayetteville/Ft Bragg, North Carolina will work as well as it should. Additionally, I made it clear to the associate I spoke with that I knew that resolving the problems would take time, but after three months with no marked improvement in my service, I will move on to the next carrier. However, she let me know that it may take up to one hundred and eighty days or SIX MONTHS to resolve these problems. Can you believe this? More importantly, should I really wait that long? I’m really ticked off now. I think before Boost/Nextel/Sprint launched this national UNWRONGED $55 unlimited marketing campaign on television they should have prepared themselves to give their customers the excellent service they deserve. Which means they should have built proper infrastructure in each area one city, town,one locality at a time, BEFORE the television ads started. However, Boost Mobile did their customers a terrible disservice by taking our money knowing they were not prepared to give good service. Isn’t this so very WRONG? Talk to me!

Boost Mobile Update

On last night around 9pm, March 21, 2009 I spoke to Jay at Boost/Sprint/Nextel customer service about the horrible mobile service that I've been receiving for the past month. The wait was long to speak with a representative, however when I finally spoke to an associate, he was patient, polite and prepared to assist me in resolve my problem. He gave me a ten dollar credit for the inconvenience I had experienced and set up a trouble ticket for the engineers in my area to work to fix the service issues the customers in Fayetteville are having. I'll let you know what the final result of my complaint turns out to be.

Boost Mobile Revisited

Yes I did port my cell phone number and service from AT&T to Boost by Sprint/Nextel on February 26th, 2009. The porting transition was smooth and easy as they quoted it would be complete within 72 hours and it actually happened a little more quickly. However, I have not been too satisfied with the service since then. Particularly in my house. Many times in the lower floors of my 3 story house, my phone reads NO SERVICE instead of BOOST. I've experienced many dropped calls and sound quality is usually horrible. However a friend told me that her relative in Charlotte gets great service there but gets crappy service when he comes here to Fayetteville to visit. So I will complain again to Boost/Sprint/Nextel and be patient and wait a couple of months for some improvements because I love the $50 unlimited everything rate for talk, texting and internet access. Of course the rate is not a real value if the service stinks.